When one is in the early stages of pursuing financial independence (FI), the road can seem long and hard, with tremendous sacrifices ahead and a lot of goals to meet. But when one has depression, there are days when anything, any goal perhaps, becomes nearly impossible. So, to that end, I present my story of depression and financial independence.
I ought to write a post about pursuing FI with the added fun of dealing with depression.
— Dads and Dollar$ (@Dads_AndDollars) December 18, 2019
My Depression
An aside: I suppose that, unlike some, I’m not too shy about talking about my depression – at least, in the right circles.* With that said:
I was diagnosed with depression just over a decade ago, but I would guess I had it as a constant companion for much longer. For me, depression has never kept me from getting things done…but I’m sure it has affected how I get them done, and how quickly as well.
The stereotype of depression that I always had understood to be true in my (much) younger years was that of someone who couldn’t get out of bed, someone who was unable to function. Someone like Cameron Frye. You remember Cameron – Ferris Bueller’s best friend** – who started the movie thinking he was dying (and probably welcoming it).
When Cameron was in Egypt’s land…let my Cameron go.
As it turns out, I can drag myself out of bed every single morning, go to work, and basically look normal. And then I go home, take care of my family obligations (helping kids with homework, reading to the youngest), and I still look normal, mostly.
But I’m not.
Depression and Financial Independence – My Story
Depression, invisible as it is for all us sufferers, has nonetheless had its effects on me, some of which are quite visible.
For example, my family probably sees the more irritable side of me, which is definitely attributable to depression. Or, if my workmates really paid close attention to me, they would see that there are the occasional moments where getting anything done is a challenge for me.
But one of the areas in which it has affected me most is with my family’s personal finances. There have been, for example, several days in which my wife has had one of her many migraines, and I simply have not had it in me to deal with taking care of the family in the most responsible way. She’s not up to making dinner? We’ll go out. Or, we’ll get pizza. Whichever. Either way, it was an expenditure that we: 1) didn’t plan to have; and 2) certainly didn’t expect to pay for.
Another Wasted Night
Of course, not every effect of depression on my family results in extra spending, but some effects can be just as unhelpful. While I occasionally suffer from writer’s block on this blog (and my other one, which gets slightly more views than this one, barely), there are also some nights – nights in which I had planned to write a post, and instead, I just cannot do it. I’m not pulling a Cameron and lying in bed, but odds are I’m in my now-broken recliner staring at my phone playing something inconsequential like “Bricks N Balls”.
Yes, all I have the mental strength to do at that moment is go through endless levels of breaking bricks by firing dozens of virtual balls at them. Generally, it takes about two hours before I can even pry myself out of the chair and go to bed, by which time the rest of the family is likely already asleep (with the semi-regular exception of the night owl). Was that really what I wanted to do all night? Obviously not, but that was all I could make myself accomplish.
She got about as much done as I did on some of those nights when depression hit me.
What Else?
In thinking about this, I realized that my work issues stemming from depression are affecting my financial situation as well. If I can’t concentrate, odds are really good that I can’t get my projects done. Or, even if I do get them done, there’s the chance that there were mistakes made.
Another aside: With the combination of my area of engineering and the types of projects I do, mistakes are not truly dangerous. (Or, at least, not mine. I suppose a really bad mistake in my area could cause someone to get hurt, but that’s why there are so many reviews, both internal and external, before anyone’s plans are approved for construction.) They can, however, hurt client relations and cost the company money.
I feel 99.44% confident that this has affected not only my career trajectory but also my income over the past several years.
What’s the Solution?
I’m not going to go into the typical stuff people with depression are told (sleep, exercise), mostly because every other webpage already says this. Besides, I know that, but when I’m in a depressive episode, I’m not going to feel like doing any of that.*** Also, we’re talking about depression and financial independence specifically, so I’m more concerned about how to continue my trudge toward FI while living with this.
I’m also not going to say that any solution is either quick or easy. Given that I still have my issues, that point is obvious to me.
Keeping in mind that this is my solution and that your mileage may vary:
The most obvious thing that occurs to me to help with depression is to refocus myself. For starters, I need to return to practicing gratitude (as I mentioned here). In parallel to that – with the reminder that I am a Christian, though not necessarily a very good one – I need to turn my focus back to God, and away from myself. The hope is that this would cause the depression to subside a little (or a lot…big goals, right?), so that I could avoid the negative consequences mentioned above.
And…I’m still working on the rest. Suggestions are welcome.
One Last Point
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, help is out there. Please, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255.
* I don’t mention it at work. I can’t see discussing my depression helping me out there.
** Or, depending on your interpretation, the guy who imagined him.
*** Also, I seriously can’t stand exercise in any form.
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